when all is said and done...

Post number one...do I feel an addiction coming on? this was originally on myspace, but Bri brought up a good point...i put my heart into this stream of thought, do I want to bare my soal to the masses? Most days, no. In this case, no as well. But for the girls, you lovely ladies, I want you to know that you and your beautiful hearts were in my thoughts the entire time writing this. It sums up the place I am now, where we are, a strange and foreign place. It sums up everyting I am afraid of and oh so excited for. I hope it speaks for itself, and I hope you will relate. I think you will.
I feel like this quarter is coming to an abrupt close without ever getting off it's feet! I suppose thats what comes of having so many life altering things to look forwards to, and be nervous about (graduating...moving...a new job...any one of those things is a lot to take in). Right about now Id like to be able to pause, or slow, time on a whim, just for the chance to look around, and take a breath, and take a moment to memorize it all. I know it will all fly by. I want it to all fly by. I really dont want it to fly by at all. Everyday I get more and more nostalgic for Bellingham, even though Im pressing on the walls of this little college bubble. Ill miss Bouvlevard in the spring (who wouldnt?). I'll miss Skylarks and Fairhaven bar hops, Vilage Books, the Swan Cafe, Boundary. I'll miss the lilac colored houses and the view of the bay from my roof. I'll miss how ridiculous Thursdays are, and hiking along Chukanut. Most of all, Ill miss the people, and the unforgettable bonds weve forged through such an intense and unique time in our lives. I've realized recently that Ive spent four years trying to meet as many people as possible, to know faces, for them to know mine, to remember names, to always agree to coffee dates, and now I'm determined to invest as much energy as possible into the few sacred people that mean the very most. Ive also realized that college has been a lifetime's worth of knowledge and experience condensed into four whirlwind years. Not only did I discover the things that Im passionate about, the things I could dedicate my whole lifetime to, but I learned how to learn, and how to take the responsibility for my education into my own hands. As geekey as this may sound, (no more geekey than using the word geekey, I suppose), Ive learned to be excited about building knowledge. Ive learned that you will inevitably pay too much for a book you didnt need, and then the professor will switch to a new edition before you can sell it back. Ive learned to talk with professors as peers, even drink with them, but still be intimidated by their intelligence. Ive learned to love sitting groggily in lecture with coffee in hand, and the satisfaction of knowing you rocked a test, and subsequently, the course. I've learned that a bad grade does not define me, my intelligence, or my knowledge of a subject. Ive come to own the college student status. But thats just the on-campus part. My life these four years has been more than I could have expected, different than I was able to conceive of, harder than I was prepared for, and more phenomenal than I could have hoped. I feel free and content moving on, knowing that I poured myself into life. During this time, Ive stopped apologizing for things I didnt do, and learned to accept consequences for the things I did. Ive gone on road trips to play shows and gone cliff jumping, banged up my car a little too much, and gotten the Parks & Rec bus so jammed into the gas pump that a fork lift had to take it down. Ive sung along as loud as possible at concerts, eyes closed, face to the sky. Ive been (am) fiercely in love, been loved, lost, looked, found, lost again, sworn off long distance relationships and then gone ahead and done one anyway. I have yelled till I cried and laughed till I cried harder. Ive swum at Larabee at midnight, flow through Lummi on the back of a motorcycle, and rafted the Colorado River by the glow of the moon. Ive watched the phosphorescents and the Northern Lights from a dock on Orcas Island, and twisted myself into yoga poses with names like Bharadvajasana and Utthita Parsvakonasana. Ive spent too much money of things I didnt need, discovered the meaning of the best things in life are free, and saved all my memories- theyre in shoeboxes under my bed. Ive taken advice I shouldnt have, not taken advice I should have (isnt that just life?), and listened to many a heartache. Ive danced all night, moved four times, fought, kissed strangers, and taken pictures of pretty much everything. Ive met incredible women. Ive met a few good guys. Ive invested myself in feminism, held my breath the whole time I got my tattoo, and taken up the habits of text-messaging nothing important, talking to inanimate objects, and believing that I really have separate stomachs for dessert. I've drinken enough red wine to kill a horse, or maybe a herd of buffallo. And what have I learned from all this? What has been the point of it all if not just to keep me entertained? Ive learned how to live with people, and how to not live with them. This includes picking your battles; letting go of fights that don't matter, and sticking to your guns of the ones that do. It also includes putting clothes back on the hanger after you borrow them, not wearing your roommates favorite pants on the day she has a date, washing out frying pans before they pass the point of no return, and unclogging the sink just because you feel like doing a good deed. Ive learned how to dress appropriately for a house with no insulation,how to cook extravagant meals from cans of beans and a pack of spaghetti, and that I can survive for an astonishingly long time on yogurt and granola. Ive learned that things take the right course all in due time, and that they will absolutely be worth the wait. Ive learned that if it doesnt work out, something better will come along. Ive learned how to drink just enough coffee to study late, but not be wired all night, how to predict when a drunk person needs to find a bathroom, and determine when sleep is more valuable than making a lecture. Ive learned all the best ways to procrastinate, like copying down all 150 numbers in your cell just in case you loose it or drop it in water, and have consequently learned to write magnificent papers at 3am with the help of thesauras.com. Ive learned that its worth it to stay up just an hour longer to watch the sunrise after an all night conversation, and that the best sleep you can get is when youre curled up next to a warm body, and cant possibly keep your eyes open for a minute longer. Ive learned that there is always room for pizza, and that after a night of dancing, nothing tastes better than Russian potato dumplings (who knew?). Ive learned to climb rocks, to set up tents super fast, to research, to cram, to play the hand drum, to bake, to take spur-of-the-moment weekend trips because hey, why the hell not, to grocery shop for one person and not a family of five. Ive learned that nakedness isnt intrinsically tied to sex. Ive learned how to make a latte, a mocha, a breve, a macchiato, and a dry cappuccino in a day. Ive figured out how to how to fanaggle a way into classes I needed and not just wanted, to stop investing time and energy into people that aren't worth it, and to realize that some people just dont want my help. Ive realized that I am a conglomeration of all the people Ive met, all the people Ive loved, all the people I've sworn I'd never be like, and my mom. Ive found that there are people I know now that I will be old with, that will put up with me for years to come. Ive learned that the best kind of friend knows all about you, and loves you anyway, and that real friendships are the ones that have endured the most shit, and persist in spite of it all. Ive learned that you have to mature a bit before you can truly connect and accept the people that are the most like you thats kind of a scary thing to do. Ive discovered how to find the jobs I want, and convince the employer that they want me too. Ive learned to take to right steps and go through the right doors, then hope to find that I am in exactly the place I want to be, because I didn't settle for anything less, and gave it my all. Im beginning to learn where to go from here.