"A Otra Cosa, Mariposa" (or, "To Another Thing, Butterfly"

So I'm blogging again. because Bri said it was therapeutic. really, however, I can find more reasons to not blog than to blog. for example. I stare at a computer screen all days and flex my wrists ever 26 seconds to as avoid any twinges of carpal tunnel. why, after 40 hours a week of this, would the same be therapeutic. or. blogging gives me a rush of anxiety when I think of catching you, my readers- all one of you plus myself plus future posterity (who no doubt will one day unearth this blog and remember dear grandma by it...kidding), up on my life....this vie SF. Do you realize my last blog entry was in 2006? 2006. It's 2009. How can I possible endeavor to capture the goings-on of these last three years in blog form? When you last left me, I was still living in the dingy, tiny house on Sutter with the boys from Craigslist. today, Holly called my move to SF "fierce". while it warmed my little heart to imagine that my friends consider me "fierce", it wasn't the move, but la vie SF, which has made me "fierce" (in a very soft, emotional, and vulnerable way, of course, I'm still Pisces after all).

How do I catch you up when I myself am still spinning from attempts to catch up with my own life? How do I capture the giddiness and grown-upness of moving in with Scott, to the beautiful yellow house with the rickety front steps, the big red kitchen, the wide back porch, and the sunny bedroom? How do I explain the suffocation of a relationship too-soon hurried, the disappointment of catching up with a love story you've been creating from afar and realizing, "well...here we are".  Is there a way to justify the times I lied to spend nights with Paulino...the squeezing of my heart as I pressed against my four walls and realized I      didn't        want      any      of      it. Would you understand the depression I sank into...the rotting produce boxes in the kitchen...the unpaid bills mounting by the door...the fruit flies taking up residence in every corner of the kitchen...my thinly veiled attempts to grin and bear it as my lululemon store drained my energy, time, passion, and confidence. What do I say to convey the awakening brought about by seeing my therapist? To feel stripped down to a freed, nude self. To cry for a loss of authenticity, of self, for friends and for belonging. To have her dissect the representation of San Francisco to me...not only a place to live, but a matter of life or death. Survive, carve a niche, thrive, autonomize, grow up and deep and enormous. Where do I start with my family...the drinking gone to far, the health gone down hill, and a marriage that has seen better days (from my ignorant perspective, in any case). What can explain my relationship with my mom, close yet also close to the surface. smiling, recanting days and stories that keep our intimacy at arms length and allow us to dance around the issues that truly matter without holding each other and throwing ourselves in for the better. 

What do I say now...after a year of living at Buchanan and Green with Emma, my SF savior, after finally calling off a most toxic relationship. How can I blog about Yoga School...my taste of Samadhi, my welcoming to my new self, my spreading wide open of passions and destiny, my dedication to the shiva shakti. Without this all, you have no context for the here and now...the long-time coming relationship with Justin, the office job, the money anxiety, the unknowns of the future. and, in the end, I suppose that's ok. The insights of today, and the words worth reading, come from an intermingling of what has been with what is in this moment...of what I've risen from and what I'm on the brink of. You didn't come here to be reminded of what has been since 2006, but what flashed through my mind today. and with that intention, I move on. 

Everything is as it should be

"Everything is going to be okay.
Everything is okay.
Everything is as it should be.
Things that come easy are gifts;
Things that are challenging will help you grow-
Be thankful for both."
-My yoga teacher
"Know that what you are doing is the most beautiful thing"
-The tag on my tea bag

these are my mantras latly, the things I repeat as I'm walking home, packing gear at work, calming myself in the chaos of Hwy 101 traffic. I'm trying to believe that they are both wholey true, but latly I can't decide if my adjustment has taken a fall backwards or a leap forward. I cant' even begin to articulate how touched I was that everyone made such an effort to meet me in Seattle, and I am so grateful to H and L for opening up there (gorgeous) home. I know that everyone has jobs, obligations, stresses, places to be and things to do, but it meant the world to have (almost) everyone together again for a night, if only just a night. So wonderful to see your faces, to know that I have the most incredible support network, the most irreplaceable friends anyone could ever hope to find. So wonderful to remind everyone that you are loved by me, even so far away. And still, I came away from the reunion with an upsetting feeling...I think it is the realization that we really have all dispersed, that we're not just adventuring for a few months before joining up again and picking right up where we left off. It's the realization that we all have our own little lives in new spheres. It made me conscious of the effort that must go in to retaining such friendships if we are to stay close, as I hope we all do.
I don't know if it's this realization, the time of the month, or simply my situation at large that has made me such a mess this week. I can't stand work: I feel so taken advantage of, like my time and efforts are comodified and unnappreciated, and the burnout on gear and food packing has long since set in. How dissapointing that this job has to come to and end in this way...I'm trying to be positive, trying to put myself in a position to retain a good relationship with GirlVentures and not let the program leave such a bitter taste in my mouth, but it's hard when I have one foot out the door already. And why is this? This is becuase I've officially been hired as a "retail educator" at Lululemon! Such a fabulous store in a great and bustling part of town, phenominal employees, unbelievable job perks...(60-75% of merch, free yoga classes, great pay....) all in all it's seeming like my dream job right now! I'm extreamly wary of speaking too soon and jinxing it all, (look what happened with the last job...), but in my three interviews with the store manager, I think I'm in a fabulous position if my impression of the store is even a bit right on. I'm sure I'll have much more to say later, but right now I'm looking forward to just getting in there and starting my working life in SF. I feel like this is just the sort of routine I need to finally starting feeling happy, comfortable...and at home.
For now I'm desperatly trying to get my glow back, my energy back. I feel dull and lifeless- I've always believed in the power of optimism and positive thinking, but latly I'm having trouble finding either in myself. Not feeling yourself is a horrible thing- I hate the way my mood controls my days and puts strain on my relationship, and I DON"T KNOW what to do! For now I think the answer is just chin up, look forward to what the future holds, and keep repeating my mantras. Everything is as it should be.
love love love.

one month later

It's official...i've been a resident of San Francisco for one month. It's a funny thing, though, I can't determine if I'm better or worse than I was the day I got here. Surly I'm much more familiar with where I am...streets are familiar, I've become slightly more proficient at navigating public transportation, my roommates and I have spent time bonding and rearranging the furniture, and seeing scott daily isn't such a bizarre (though wonderful) shock. "Familiar" is the key word in the last run-on sentance...but familiar doesn't necessarily mean comfortable, nor does it indicate belonging. The most difficult part of this adjustment has been learning to take each day, each new morning, on a case by case basis. Never have I felt the juxtiposition of being so thrilled by my life and yet so lonely, homesick, and in need of direction all in one day...even one hour or one overwhleming swell of feeling. Some days, I love San Francisco- not just as an incredible city, but as my place in this world. I feel this when I'm hiking or driving across the bridge for work...lounging in Golden Gate Park...chatting with fellow yogis...out for a night on the town with my sweetheart. Other days, the fog rolls in and I want to roll out. I don't want to go home, but I want to go back to Spring Quarter. I want to go back to being nestled in Bellingham, surrounded by people I love dearly and can't get enough of. I know that everything is different, and life is not just carrying on without me, but I also feel like I may get lost, bypassed in SF and spend too much time trying unsuccessfully to figure out how I want to make my mark on this world, how I want to grow and gain and thrive in this city. Some days I feel like a wreck...continuously on the edge of tears, not being able to pinpoint the lump in my throat and the tightness in my chest...being frusterated and upset at the littlest things and blaming Scott, only to turn around and be scared to death I'm going to loose him- my reason for moving, my rock when nothing else seems firm. I left yoga yesterday, feeling shaking and queezy in the hot room, after only half an hour. I was crushed that the one thing I relied on to calm me only made me feel worse. I rolled up my mat and snuck out the side door, sweat rolling down my back and tears rolling down my face. I feel so unfamiliar to myself that I'm unable to stretch...what an analogy. I'm trying to allow myself to just feel, to know that I am entitled to the physical and emotional reactions to everything I knew being changed compleatly. I'm attemping to recognize the feelings, to take them head on, to be there for myself, and to know that even though every day is not better, every day is different and it is meeting all these kinds of "different" that will eventually help me to regain my sense of self (which I have been missing latly) and finally regain my balance as well.

some address Sutter Street, San Francisco, California, some zip code.

Where am I?? This is what I know. My flat is peach on the outside, but non-descript, as in you might walk by and not notice it. but it's clean, and well decorated. it's true that gay men like to decorate. and that they like Ikea. I have a hamster that is too fat to fit in his rolly-ball, but doesn't have a name either as it's owner believes in the freedom of possibility. I call him chubs. The walls of my new place are adorned with a Henry Matisse blue nude, Bob Marley, posters from various music festivals, and the "wall of camp" in homage to Audrey and Madonna. My room is green but simultaneously a shade too dark and too light, resulting kind of a weird, olive-y glow. Busses run by on electric lines all night, and sometimes don't have enough charge to make it up the hill, so they clang around for a while, burning rubber. I live by a fire station which, unlike the little station we lived by in the Igloo, has trucks with places to be- this usually includes squeeling past my window, sirens blaring. There is a Trader Joe's right up the street where a cute checker asked me how my day was going, and didn't realize he was opening the floodgates to a 20min therepy session. They have my favorite wine at skylark's there, but it tastes better in the company of my favorite girls. I have to move my car every week or the street sweeper will "get it." I don't know if this means that it hauls your car away in it's bristles, that your car get's a little extra spit-shine on the driver's side, or a third option that I haven't conjured up yet. I'm under ordinance of the Governator. I don't know where the freeway is in relation to my house. There are no babies in this entire town. There is a plastic penis with a smily-face in my shower. All of the above can be catagorized as neither bad nor good, but simply characteristic of my new home, a place very distant (both geographically and experience wise) from Bellingham, and I realize now that adjusting will take awhile.

when all is said and done...

Post number one...do I feel an addiction coming on? this was originally on myspace, but Bri brought up a good point...i put my heart into this stream of thought, do I want to bare my soal to the masses? Most days, no. In this case, no as well. But for the girls, you lovely ladies, I want you to know that you and your beautiful hearts were in my thoughts the entire time writing this. It sums up the place I am now, where we are, a strange and foreign place. It sums up everyting I am afraid of and oh so excited for. I hope it speaks for itself, and I hope you will relate. I think you will.
I feel like this quarter is coming to an abrupt close without ever getting off it's feet! I suppose thats what comes of having so many life altering things to look forwards to, and be nervous about (graduating...moving...a new job...any one of those things is a lot to take in). Right about now Id like to be able to pause, or slow, time on a whim, just for the chance to look around, and take a breath, and take a moment to memorize it all. I know it will all fly by. I want it to all fly by. I really dont want it to fly by at all. Everyday I get more and more nostalgic for Bellingham, even though Im pressing on the walls of this little college bubble. Ill miss Bouvlevard in the spring (who wouldnt?). I'll miss Skylarks and Fairhaven bar hops, Vilage Books, the Swan Cafe, Boundary. I'll miss the lilac colored houses and the view of the bay from my roof. I'll miss how ridiculous Thursdays are, and hiking along Chukanut. Most of all, Ill miss the people, and the unforgettable bonds weve forged through such an intense and unique time in our lives. I've realized recently that Ive spent four years trying to meet as many people as possible, to know faces, for them to know mine, to remember names, to always agree to coffee dates, and now I'm determined to invest as much energy as possible into the few sacred people that mean the very most. Ive also realized that college has been a lifetime's worth of knowledge and experience condensed into four whirlwind years. Not only did I discover the things that Im passionate about, the things I could dedicate my whole lifetime to, but I learned how to learn, and how to take the responsibility for my education into my own hands. As geekey as this may sound, (no more geekey than using the word geekey, I suppose), Ive learned to be excited about building knowledge. Ive learned that you will inevitably pay too much for a book you didnt need, and then the professor will switch to a new edition before you can sell it back. Ive learned to talk with professors as peers, even drink with them, but still be intimidated by their intelligence. Ive learned to love sitting groggily in lecture with coffee in hand, and the satisfaction of knowing you rocked a test, and subsequently, the course. I've learned that a bad grade does not define me, my intelligence, or my knowledge of a subject. Ive come to own the college student status. But thats just the on-campus part. My life these four years has been more than I could have expected, different than I was able to conceive of, harder than I was prepared for, and more phenomenal than I could have hoped. I feel free and content moving on, knowing that I poured myself into life. During this time, Ive stopped apologizing for things I didnt do, and learned to accept consequences for the things I did. Ive gone on road trips to play shows and gone cliff jumping, banged up my car a little too much, and gotten the Parks & Rec bus so jammed into the gas pump that a fork lift had to take it down. Ive sung along as loud as possible at concerts, eyes closed, face to the sky. Ive been (am) fiercely in love, been loved, lost, looked, found, lost again, sworn off long distance relationships and then gone ahead and done one anyway. I have yelled till I cried and laughed till I cried harder. Ive swum at Larabee at midnight, flow through Lummi on the back of a motorcycle, and rafted the Colorado River by the glow of the moon. Ive watched the phosphorescents and the Northern Lights from a dock on Orcas Island, and twisted myself into yoga poses with names like Bharadvajasana and Utthita Parsvakonasana. Ive spent too much money of things I didnt need, discovered the meaning of the best things in life are free, and saved all my memories- theyre in shoeboxes under my bed. Ive taken advice I shouldnt have, not taken advice I should have (isnt that just life?), and listened to many a heartache. Ive danced all night, moved four times, fought, kissed strangers, and taken pictures of pretty much everything. Ive met incredible women. Ive met a few good guys. Ive invested myself in feminism, held my breath the whole time I got my tattoo, and taken up the habits of text-messaging nothing important, talking to inanimate objects, and believing that I really have separate stomachs for dessert. I've drinken enough red wine to kill a horse, or maybe a herd of buffallo. And what have I learned from all this? What has been the point of it all if not just to keep me entertained? Ive learned how to live with people, and how to not live with them. This includes picking your battles; letting go of fights that don't matter, and sticking to your guns of the ones that do. It also includes putting clothes back on the hanger after you borrow them, not wearing your roommates favorite pants on the day she has a date, washing out frying pans before they pass the point of no return, and unclogging the sink just because you feel like doing a good deed. Ive learned how to dress appropriately for a house with no insulation,how to cook extravagant meals from cans of beans and a pack of spaghetti, and that I can survive for an astonishingly long time on yogurt and granola. Ive learned that things take the right course all in due time, and that they will absolutely be worth the wait. Ive learned that if it doesnt work out, something better will come along. Ive learned how to drink just enough coffee to study late, but not be wired all night, how to predict when a drunk person needs to find a bathroom, and determine when sleep is more valuable than making a lecture. Ive learned all the best ways to procrastinate, like copying down all 150 numbers in your cell just in case you loose it or drop it in water, and have consequently learned to write magnificent papers at 3am with the help of thesauras.com. Ive learned that its worth it to stay up just an hour longer to watch the sunrise after an all night conversation, and that the best sleep you can get is when youre curled up next to a warm body, and cant possibly keep your eyes open for a minute longer. Ive learned that there is always room for pizza, and that after a night of dancing, nothing tastes better than Russian potato dumplings (who knew?). Ive learned to climb rocks, to set up tents super fast, to research, to cram, to play the hand drum, to bake, to take spur-of-the-moment weekend trips because hey, why the hell not, to grocery shop for one person and not a family of five. Ive learned that nakedness isnt intrinsically tied to sex. Ive learned how to make a latte, a mocha, a breve, a macchiato, and a dry cappuccino in a day. Ive figured out how to how to fanaggle a way into classes I needed and not just wanted, to stop investing time and energy into people that aren't worth it, and to realize that some people just dont want my help. Ive realized that I am a conglomeration of all the people Ive met, all the people Ive loved, all the people I've sworn I'd never be like, and my mom. Ive found that there are people I know now that I will be old with, that will put up with me for years to come. Ive learned that the best kind of friend knows all about you, and loves you anyway, and that real friendships are the ones that have endured the most shit, and persist in spite of it all. Ive learned that you have to mature a bit before you can truly connect and accept the people that are the most like you thats kind of a scary thing to do. Ive discovered how to find the jobs I want, and convince the employer that they want me too. Ive learned to take to right steps and go through the right doors, then hope to find that I am in exactly the place I want to be, because I didn't settle for anything less, and gave it my all. Im beginning to learn where to go from here.